What to say if someone discloses to you and other tips for sexual violence bystanders
There are three key phrases to remember if ever someone comes forward to you and discloses an incident of sexual violence:
“I’m so sorry.”
“I’m here for you.”
“What do you need?”
“The vast majority of people who have been assaulted will tell someone and that person may be you,” Julie Lalonde said at her workshop at Dawson College Jan. 21.
More than 150 employees and students attended the 90-minute workshop offered at four different times Jan. 21 and 22. Entitled I’ve got your back: Bystanders stepping up to prevent sexual violence, the sessions were given by Julie Lalonde, an internationally renowned women’s rights advocate and public educator.
Give the discloser the power to decide how to respond
A person who has experienced an incident of sexual violence may expect to be grilled with questions when they disclose. All you need to do is show your care and concern, and listen to them. “You need to give them the power to decide what to do next,” Julie said.
“If the person who discloses to you is an adult, do not call the police. That would be setting something in motion and breaking their confidence,” Julie said. The appropriate thing is to listen and use those three phrases.
Staggering statistics
It is important to be ready because the statistics are staggering. “One third of women and one sixth of men will be a victim of sexual violence. If you are a woman, you are at risk of being assaulted your whole life,” she said.
Women who live with a disability are four times more likely to experience sexual violence and women who are Indigenous are three times more likely.
Julie also gave the audience some tactics to use for preventing sexual violence and intervening.
Some bystander tactics
For younger people, going to bars and parties can put them at increased risk for assault. Julie suggested making a party plan. “If four of us arrive together, four of us leave together,” she advised. “If your friend is intoxicated and about to leave with someone, you can check in with them, or suggest taking their phone number and calling them the next day.”
Other ideas are to create a diversion in any situation or ask a bouncer to help.
If you become aware of a friend or family member being abused, you can discreetly tell them: ‘I see or I hear.’ “You can let them know that you are seeing something. They need our empathy, not our judgement,” she said.
If you witness something on a metro or train, you can pull an emergency brake and help will arrive. On a bus, you can alert the bus driver.
However, it is not always safe to intervene. “Sometimes you cannot do anything in the moment,” she acknowledged. “You can take a photo (discretely) or file a police report later,” she said.
What is consent?
Julie shared the legal definition of consent in Canada: “Voluntary agreement of the complainant to engage in the sexual activity in question.”
“Consent must be voluntary, sober, enthusiastic, and it is never assumed,” Julie said. “The bar is set pretty low for consent. Basically, don’t dehumanize the other person.”
Julie pointed out how silence does not equal consent. “There are various ways people say no. For example, you run into a friend and invite them to come to the movies the next day. The person says ‘I’ll get back to you.’ They are actually letting you down easy. Their answer is ‘no.’”
It can be similar in a sexual situation. People say yes or no in various ways. “A person has to have the capacity to say yes. If you cannot drive a car or agree to a tattoo, you can’t give consent either. If you are saying yes out of fear, you are not saying yes.”
Be a solid friend and support survivors
Towards the end of her workshop, Julie showed a photo of Beyoncé and Nicki Minaj and encouraged everyone to be supportive friends to each other, especially men. “Men often access support through female friends. They assume women have their back and not men. Be a good friend.”
While the police reporting rates are very low across Canada, the incidence of sexual violence is high and the chances that you are a bystander or that someone discloses to you are also high. Remember what to do so you can offer appropriate support.
Dawson College sponsored the workshop as part of its commitment to the Policy on Sexual Violence. A mandatory training video series will be presented to all students and employees in the coming weeks.
